Misunderstandings - Part 2

My family told me it's all but a misunderstanding and I could have just let live and let live. I didn't need to ask why another family member did what she did because we will probably end up raising voices at each other and getting angry with each other.

The fact is, there's hardly any voice raised. I asked why she did that, calmly. She asked back why I did what I did, calmly. I explained the reason and then asked whether her behaviour was due to misgivings about me. She said nothing. I told her how she was not being fair in having those misgivings about me but she wasn't satisfied with the explanation. It ended off with her exploding "Aiyah you are always busy la!"

It was over mere housework.

4 years ago, I started working from home. Work is stressful but I manage the stress well because I'm generally an optimistic person. Not many people think I am in a real job because they can't see the rewards immediately or see where I am heading. Perhaps without the financial returns yet, what I am doing seems like I am wiling away time. Because I am at home most of the time I was also expected to help out around the house more now than when I was working outside home in offices previously. I try to do what I can but it's not often that I succeed.

All these might have contributed to misgivings about me. But it's not fair. I don't think I do any less housework than the rest who worked outside home if not more.

And cut me some slack. When you work in offices out there, do you clean your office? No. You likely have cleaners to do that. In my room where I work, the windows are open, to save on air conditioning. Because of that, my room gets dusty easily and more dust than any airconditioned office would get. Who is the one doing the cleaning? It's me.

People who work from home don't work any less harder. In fact, the hours they put in are more likely to be longer than those working at offices because the time spent on dressing up, travelling, having 1 or 2 hour lunches, tea breaks, chit chat sessions are all now spent on working. Work may continue into the night as well.

Stress is increasing. With greater power comes greater responsibility. With age comes worries. I can't deal with this much longer. I can't perform well when I'm affected emotionally. I need to be in the right emotional state to deal with the increasing demands of work and I can't keep having it disrupted.

The quarrel over housework is deep seated. It's not mere misunderstanding. I was thought to have been selfish and retaliation came in the form of being selfish back to me. But the fact is I was just short of time and very tired. I am just really very disheartened to know that this is how this person dear to me can think of me. And so many many times, I was the one who brought her pile of clothes into her room.

Maybe I should retaliate more. Maybe I should shout out more everytime I do some household chore. Maybe I should shout more at people when chores are not done. Whenever I'm on the receiving end, I will always remind myself to give it back in return when the opportunity arises. But unfortunately, I have a short term memory and fails most of the time. Otherwise, mostly I think. What for, really?

I say this again. I practice live and let live as much as I can. But when I feel enough is enough and I can't take it anymore I leave.

Misunderstandings - Part 1

I hate the word misunderstandings.

Twice this year, I had two person telling me that it's all a misunderstanding when it's not a misunderstanding but more likely a misgiving. Without really finding out why the "misunderstanding" really happened in the first place, they concluded that the best thing to do is to live and let live.

First was a friend who knew that I had misgivings about another friend. She called to try to be a peace maker but instead of asking why those misgivings came about in the first place and then tackle any misunderstandings (if it is even a misunderstanding in the first place) from there, the friend assumed that anything was probably a misunderstanding and as friends she is there to help clear it.

Second was a family member telling me that it's all but a misunderstanding and I shouldn't have just let it go. There was actually no need to talk, question or clarify in the first place why another family member did what she did.

I think misunderstanding and misgiving are two very different things. Misunderstandings can be easily cleared up by clarifications. You thought it was this, I thought it was that. You talked and it clears up. Misgivings involve suspicions, doubts, mistrust, the more deep seated problems and usually not very pleasant ones.

With the friend, the misgivings came about after she had delivered her baby. All of a sudden her baby was the most important thing in her life and she will protect it against all evil forces including going to lengths to prevent another friend S from coming to a gathering because S's mother-in-law just passed away. Apparently, the month old baby is still weak and the dark forces will not be good for her. I had not expected this at all because I have always known of this friend to be someone without care to the world type of person. She speaks like one.

I was upset to find out about it and felt it was wrong especially when the gathering was organised to celebrate two persons birthday and S was one of them. The friend could have choosen not to turn up if she were scared. She could stay home. But I felt she instigated things to happen for her convenience and that is selfish.

I was almost in tears when I spoke out and realised that out of 5, 4 didn't feel it was wrong. 3 were mothers and the fourth was a believer in things such as fortune telling.

Feeling like all my friends have changed to different people overnight after they became mothers, quite honestly I was shaken and really lost. I asked the friend, so in similar situation what if I died, and you just can't leave your kid alone, you mean you are not going to come? She said she would think about it. If it was a joke, it's cracked at a bad timing as I think I was looking pretty agitated then. But I'm almost sure she meant what she said as this friend is not one who minces her words.

Further discussions followed, and I was asked, "If I was in S's situation and I came and something bad happen to the child, won't I feel bad?"

The answer is no. However, I will feel bad only if you make me feel bad and put all the blame on me. Having a friend who thinks you ought to feel bad if anything untowards happen to her child due to real or even unreal reasons is a heavy burden to bear. There can be so many traditions that I am not aware of. What if I accidently touch the head of the child after touching joss sticks and I'm not suppose to do that because incurable illness would befall the kid? Then I'm to blame and ought to fell bad. If I had to be responsible for the unreal reasons that might do the child harm, I don't think I will be spared for the real reasons.

In subsequent gatherings, which never once had no kids around, I'm just filled with indignation and I stop myself from coming physically close to the children of this group of friends because I don't want to be responsible should anything happen. For the said friend's child, I have never picked her up or carried her before. I don't think I have even touched the child before. I don't dare. What if I helped carry the child and I accidently fell and something happen?

I kept my distance but two more incidents showed even more selfishness.

Before the friend delivered, another friend M delivered first. L and I shared a present for M which unfortunately M already had the same one and requested to receive something else or if not vouchers. It was all fine with me and L. When the friend overhead she said she didn't mind having that gift since she's due soon (and well it will be her turn to receive gifts). So we proceeded to buy M another gift and kept the first present for the friend. When it was time to give the present to the friend after she delivered, L asked me if I want to share to buy a present again. I thought we are giving her that first gift? Apparently she had received one along the way and she will have no use for a duplicate and therefore requested for something else.

I confronted her and she replied: "Err... Did I confirm I wanted that present?"

I was furious. We are giving you a gift (which we had to spend time and effort coordinating), which you had requested for and you mean before we present the gift to you, we had to call first to confirm that you wanted that present? This is ridiculous.

Finally it was L's turn to deliver. L is an easy going person and she didn't mind accepting the first gift (which in fact she helped buy). This will also be a duplicate gift for her but being a really easy going person she good naturedly found some convenient reasons to keep it.

Feeling even more indignant, I asked the said friend to pay the money for the share of the present. She said she will settle with L and what she did was to give a picture album because she had 2. She conveniently gave away an extra album she had and didn't forget to stress that it's a picture album that she likes because she had bought it initially with the intention of using it for her own child.

Is this a misunderstanding? I doubt it. Far from it in fact. The misgivings will never be resolved if we just keep thinking that it's just a misunderstanding.

I practice live and let live as much as I can. But when I feel I have done enough, accommodated enough and I don't wish to have to bent over backwards anymore I leave.

People change. Perhaps my friends have changed after they have kids and unfortunately I just can't keep up with it. Conversations now are usually dominated by topics on houses, kids and motherhood which I currently have no interest in and frankly quite sick of hearing. Coupled with misgivings, I am sadden yet relieve to let go.

I'm so Lousy

NOW, then I know how to add links of other blogs that I read to my blog. Goodness. I'm ashamed to say that I have been figuring that out for months!

Thoughts at 30.

There's an insurance friend that quit and decided to do go study about child development. She went into insurance immediately after graduating from Uni. And that's a long 7 years before she did a switch. She's 30 this year.

There'a a friend who was last in a telco company. Was there for maybe 2 or 3 years. Decided to go study accounting. She's 30 this year.

There's another who was in a chain of Stat Boards. Decided to go overseas and study full time for a year. She's 30 this year.

Another was in a telco. She's not exactly unhappy but maybe planning a career change in the area of her current study - Child development. She's 30 when she did it.

I tend to think that 30 years old is the time that many decided to adopt changes especially major career change if they have been unhappy or not deriving job satisfaction in the first place. Turning 30 is a big thing, psychologically, especially for a woman. It's freaking 3 decades of life and that's a long time. It could possibly even be the half mark of a lifetime. The lucky ones who are comfortable and contended probably just breeze through it and didn't think too much about it. Those who felt they have come a long way wants to celebrate it. Those who are not too happy with things so far wants to change it. Those we are clueless remains clueless.

A friend asked: So what about me? What will be changing as I turn 30?

Only 2 things. But I think they are pretty major too.

In terms of work, I'm going to take more risk.
In terms of friendship, I'm going to stop going out with people that I don't enjoy going out with, without guilt.

There are some outings that I really don't enjoy these days anymore. Those that are extremely tiresome are when conversations that are shared are so superficial. All we seem to be able to ask is how's work? How's business? How are things? It's unlike before where friends reawlly dig deep and also confided in each other about all sort of problems. Perhaps it's harder to confide too, especially about relationship or marriage issues because the other half is mostly there.

Then for a period of time, friends around me are just talking non stop about wedding, house, kids and it totally bored me. The same old question get asked again and again.

Wedding questions: Who are you booking your wedding package with? How much? Inclusive of photography? Who's the photographer? Where are you doing your outdoor shoot? Going honeymoon?

House questions: How many sq ft is your place? How much you paid for it? Inclusive of furniture? Which interior designer did you use?

Kids questions: How heavy is the baby? How long was the delivery? Which hospital? Intend to breastfeeed? Have help to take care?

Well some people ask because they are seeking advise for their own wedding, house, impending delivery and that's understandable but you feel really neglected when you are not having a wedding or house or delivery (in my case all 3) and you really have heard enough already from so many other people. The 2 questions that I can't understand why people would ask again and again is how many sq ft the friend's house is and how the weight of the baby at birth. Why really do one need to know that? Can somebody explain to me? What useful purposes are there to know that? Do people really go buy 4D for that? I'm just glad to say that at this point in time now, most of the wedding and house questions are over.

Then there are those outings where you can actually run out of things to say even in a big group!It can be so awkward sometimes. I tend to think this happens when people don't care enough about each other to ask questions. I'm not a saint. I'm guilty of that too.

The truth is, there are indeed some friends that I don't care enough to ask how they really are. The feeling might be mutual so why continue to go out and go through motion?

Going out with friends is suppose to be relaxing when you get to ventilate your problems, invigorating when you have a good exchange of ideas, enjoyable when there are laughter, make you strong when you are weak, make you happy when you are sad, cheer you on when you are doing well, pick you up when you fall, tell you when you have been bad. But as time goes by, relationships seem to get more superficial and become further and further away from my definition. Did I define it wrongly? Are my expectations too high? Is that not important anymore?

It's not just me it seems. I notice that some friends have also stopped making an effort to go out. In fact, some stopped years quite a number of years ago. I'm beginning to think I might understand why.

These days, I find myself happier in front of the tv. I hear more thought provoking things, comedies make me laugh, dramas show me reality and problems and solutions, sad shows / touching scenes make me cry and help me get in touch with my emotions, news and discovery channels give me an insight into many things outside my area of knowledge and industry, reality shows give me a good rush, self help shows like Oprah helps you deal with problems and encourages you.

I can only speculate that the reason why there are lesser and lesser friends that I enjoy going out with is because the things that I am looking for in a friendship and the things I prefer to talk about is different from many of my friends. After all, how many people are in the risky business of business and how many can understand what and why I want to pursue them at the expense of wedding/house/kids. And with so many superficialities, fake fronts, fake smiles in the business world that I have to face and give, I'm don't wish to have to go through the same thing with friends.

To say no to going out with people that I don't enjoy going out with anymore, to me, is a major decision that I'm taking at 30. I have always like to have friends and a lot of them. But now, I think I will still be just as grateful if I have lesser friends as long as they are people that I care and will want to be there for them when they need me, as much they care and will be there for me when I need them.

Do you feel the same way? Or is it just me? And does the problem lie with me? But there are people who do change too.

Any advise any insights people? And how did you celebrate your 30th birthday? Come, share share.

IDA cannot make it

My email to them. Through IDA Website Feedback (Query Form Feedback Form)

Hi, I want to report a Singapore company for sending unsolicited emails to me and see that IDA take action to stop them from doing so. They have marked "ADV" in their subject headers and have an unsubscribed function. However, even after I have unsubscribed twice and called them up once to ask them to remove my emaill address from their database, I still continue to receive frequent emails from them. Please kindly let me know how I can go about lodging a report against this company. Thanks.

Their reply to me.

> Hi My name,

> Under the Spam Control Act, which takes effect from 15th June 2007,
> the civil-based regime will provide civil recourse for recipient of
> non-compliant spam. Recipient of non-compliant spam could sue the
> sender for injunction, damages and statutory damages. However, there
> are no specific authorities which would take enforcement actions
> against spammers. For spam that is malicious by nature, e.g.
> phishing or spam with computer virus, a police report could be made.
>
> Other than legal recourse, we would like to advise recipients of
> spam to configure their filters so that unwanted emails could be
> filtered off instantly. This is especially effective when you could
> identify the sender, and configure the filter that removes all
> emails sent from that particular email address. You may wish to
> check the filters provided by the email service providers. For
> emails service providers like Yahoo! or Gmail, the email filters are
> provided free of charge.
>
Best Regards,
Her Name
IDA Corporate Helpdesk
8 Temasek Boulevard, #14-00, Suntec Tower Three, Singapore 038988 :: Tel: (65) 6211 0888 :: Fax: (65) 6211 2222
The Infocomm Development Authority of Singapore (IDA) is committed to growing Singapore into a dynamic global infocomm hub. IDA uses an integrated approach to developing info-communications in Singapore. This involves nurturing a competitive telecoms market as well as a conducive business environment with programmes and schemes for both local and international companies. Visit IDA's website at www.ida.gov.sg. For enquiries, email to info@ida.gov.sg.
NOTICE: This e-mail (including any attachments) may contain confidential or legally privileged information. Any unauthorised use, retention, reproduction or disclosure is prohibited and may attract civil and criminal penalties. If this e-mail has been sent to you in error, please delete it and notify us immediately.


No kidding I tell you. What a stupid act! So I can only report police if spam is malicious by nature? But what about those that are irrtating by nature? They expect me to sue and help the lawyers and courts get richer?

Plus if we are all suppose to protect ourselves by putting in filters, then why set up the act and make people put in their subject header and why make it mandatory that companies include an unsubscribed function that works? Why lidat?

Here's the act. From IDA's website.

The Spam Control Act Comes Into Effect
Singapore, 8 June 2007 | For Immediate Release

The Spam Control Act 2007 will come into effect on 15 June 2007. It aims to address the still-growing and global problem of spam.

The Act will offer a framework to better manage unsolicited commercial electronic messages sent in bulk, otherwise known as "spam". Spam is estimated to make up the bulk of all e-mails sent worldwide.

The legal guidelines are reasonably easy for marketers to follow and for consumers to understand. It will not offer complete respite from spam, but consumers will get a measure of protection from spam.

Under the Act, marketers - particularly those based in Singapore or who have operations here - who continue to spam the "not interested" group face potential financial penalties. The statutory penalty is $25 for each electronic message, up to a total of $1 million.

Globally, similar laws have been introduced for instance in the United States of America, Japan, South Korea and Australia.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

3 pertinent points from the FAQ section about Spam from Singapore Spam Control Resource Centre. http://www.spamcontrol.org.sg/consumers.html

4. What would be considered appropriate electronic marketing?

Appropriate marketing requires marketers to target their messages and to provide recipients with genuine contact information and a genuine opportunity to have their names removed from future mailings.

The Direct Marketing Association of Singapore has a set of rules to guide marketers on using the e-mail marketing channel responsibly.

6. Is sending spam illegal in Singapore?

Many of the activities associated with the more serious forms of spamming are already illegal in Singapore. For example, it is a criminal offence to engage in e-mail fraud or to obstruct the use of a computer through spamming. Sending spam that contains false or misleading advertising or product claims, or that contains pornography, is also unlawful.

On the other hand, spamming per se is legal provided it complies with the Spam Control legal framework. The law seeks to balance the legitimate interests of businesses that want to advertise through e-mails and mobile messaging, and the interest of recipients who do not want to be swamped daily by spam. It will deter local spammers and clarify the rules for local marketers. It will also give affected persons, for example the Internet Service Providers who are the main victims of e-mail spam, a right of legal recourse against spammers.

(Conclusion: Being a nuisance and sending out unsolicited emails is not illegal)

11. What recourse do I have against non-compliant spammers?

If you suffered loss or damages as a result of the transmission of non-compliant spam, you could also seek legal recourse against the spammer. This takes the form of a civil action against the spammer in court.

If successful, the court could grant injunction, damages, and statutory damages. Statutory damages that could be awarded would be up to S$25 per non-compliant spam, up to a maximum of S$1million. If you wish to claim damages beyond S$1million, you could opt for a grant of actual damages instead. In addition, the court can order the spammer to pay for the costs and expenses of the legal proceedings.

(One spam email every 2 days from one company doesn't amount to much loss or damage but if more companies abuse this, than it will certainly add up to MUCH time loss and irritation. And do they expect me to sue 10 companies at one time?)

AND the reply email has all the ">" there as you see it even though it is a "Fresh" reply. Cannot make it.

Really. Why all the Wayang in having the act and all and not have the commitment to police it?

Birthday Gift

I turned 30. I also received the most expensive gift I ever received. From a brand that I'm note even sure of how to pronounce it. Nice charming friend, P from Thailand gave me two bangles. One from him and the other is from nice sweet Korean friend, L. The 2 bangles costs more than $1k!

P said I could go change it to other design if I didn't like it and encouraged me to do so. More choices is always good he says. So I did. Needed a bag. Thought I will go change for a bag but with the exception of one bag, everything else was more than the value of the 2 bangles. That bag was very normal looking and completely undeserving of that price tag. It was tough having to choose something else. A lot of things are very plain looking, nothing quite so special about it and completely not worth that kind of asking prices. In the end, I kept one of the bangles and changed the other to a nice scarf, a body lotion, a deodorant and a shower foam for Fujuyimi. I'm very happy with my final presents but at the same time stressed. What am I going to buy for them for their birthday presents?

Aku, can't afford these kind of things ley. Lidat how?

bicycles in trains

The answer is no. You cannot bring a bicycle into a train. Not even when the handicapped gantry is big enough for the bicycle to pass through. Not even when I transport it during off peak hours. Not even when I have 10 people with me to make sure the bike doesn't cause any problem.

"So how am I going to transport a bike back home to Pasir Ris if I am buying a second hand bike from Jurong?"

It all started when I was out with Fujuyimi's friends. One of them cycled from one end of Singapore to the other because he bought a second hand bike from Pasir Ris and he stay in Jurong. I asked: " Can't you take the train?" Then we all wondered whether we have seen a bike on a train. Apparently, I was the only one who thought I have seen it before. Everybody else thinks that bicycles are not allowed on trains.

So I had to call SMRT to ask. This poor unfortunate lady was unlucky enough to have to attend to my phone call.

Me: Hi! .......... bought bike..... Jurong....... stay in Pasir Ris....... Can?
PUL: Yes you can only if you travel during off peak hours and your bicycle is a foldable one.
Me: Oh! Mine's not a foldable one. But..... gantry... big... can go through.
PUL: No, you still can't, Mdm.
Me: Why not? I'll go... off peak hours... very little people... no obstruction... I make sure... any number of people.... guard it...
PUL: No Mdm you can't unless it's a foldable bike.
Me: But... bike bought not foldable kind... Don't expect me to ride from Jurong to Pasir Ris right?
PUL: Sorry you can't.
Me: But you allow luggages ....in... right?
PUL: Yes, luggages can. But only 1 piece per passanger and there are designated areas to put the luggage.
Me: You've got to be kidding. I see so many foreigners carrying more than 1 piece of luggage around. So Why not? *whine*
PUL: MDM, you can't bring a bike into the train unless it's a foldable bike and you do it during off peak hours.
Me: Then how? *WHINE*
PUL: *Pause* You can try taking a cab, Mdm

At this point in time, I started laughing in a way that probabaly made her sound stupid. Very mean of me, sorry la. I was just thinking if a bike can't go into the big train then you mean the cab people will allow it into their tiny cab meh? Ok, so maybe the bicycle can go into the boot, the roof or hang at the back of the cab but that's not the point.

Why lidat?

I dunno whether the lady is more unfortunate or we poor peasants are more unfortunate. And SMRT better not let me catch tourists with more than one luggage in the MRT but that will be so easy.


Update 12 Aug 07
Ahhh.... Looks like the solution is to just dismantle the bike! As seen here.

好狗不挡路

An acquaintance that I met recently was complaining big time about this.

Why Indians like to park themselves at the entrance of everywhere ah?

I started observing and I can now understand his exasperation. Why lidat ah?

i must have offended the gods

13th March - Started coughing. Took left over cough syrups from home. No recovery in sight.

17th March - Coughs + chokes. Went to see doctor no.1. Thought I saw signs of recovery but in the end still no complete recovery.

21st March - Coughs + chokes. Went to see doctor no.2. He said it was 100 days cough. Hoped for full recovery but it didn't come.

31st March - Herpes appeared! Damn. Now my cute butt is disfigured.

1st April - Saw doctor no.3. I was diagnosed with Bronchitis and Airway infection.

3rd April - Felt pain in thighs. Discovered a lump! But thankfully, it didn't give any problems subsequently.

15th April - Hospitalised in SGH for hyperventilation. Discharged the next day. Headaches and nauseousness followed. I still suffered occasional gasping for air at night.

3rd May - Urinary tract infection. Wah lao eh.....

xx? xx? - Kicked the legs of my sofa so hard that my fouth toe swelled and was so bruised. Limping the next 2 days.

23rd July - Wisdom tooth surgery at Alexander Hospital.

Why lidat? How long more is this chain of illness going to last? Got anymore or not?


More updates...
Wah Piang... Still not finish yet! (Updated on 10th Aug 07)

5th Aug - V Infection. Damn irritating. Visits once a year. Why lidat?

9th Aug - Urinary tract infection again. This time with blood in pee.

13 wonders

My first shi san yao after 10? yrs of playing mahjong with 1x cat and 1x mouse. I was ecstatic man!


But it was quite scary too. Like there's some supernatural powers out there "assisting" you. Though I like that.

A month later, I won another shi san yao... !