Misunderstandings - Part 2

My family told me it's all but a misunderstanding and I could have just let live and let live. I didn't need to ask why another family member did what she did because we will probably end up raising voices at each other and getting angry with each other.

The fact is, there's hardly any voice raised. I asked why she did that, calmly. She asked back why I did what I did, calmly. I explained the reason and then asked whether her behaviour was due to misgivings about me. She said nothing. I told her how she was not being fair in having those misgivings about me but she wasn't satisfied with the explanation. It ended off with her exploding "Aiyah you are always busy la!"

It was over mere housework.

4 years ago, I started working from home. Work is stressful but I manage the stress well because I'm generally an optimistic person. Not many people think I am in a real job because they can't see the rewards immediately or see where I am heading. Perhaps without the financial returns yet, what I am doing seems like I am wiling away time. Because I am at home most of the time I was also expected to help out around the house more now than when I was working outside home in offices previously. I try to do what I can but it's not often that I succeed.

All these might have contributed to misgivings about me. But it's not fair. I don't think I do any less housework than the rest who worked outside home if not more.

And cut me some slack. When you work in offices out there, do you clean your office? No. You likely have cleaners to do that. In my room where I work, the windows are open, to save on air conditioning. Because of that, my room gets dusty easily and more dust than any airconditioned office would get. Who is the one doing the cleaning? It's me.

People who work from home don't work any less harder. In fact, the hours they put in are more likely to be longer than those working at offices because the time spent on dressing up, travelling, having 1 or 2 hour lunches, tea breaks, chit chat sessions are all now spent on working. Work may continue into the night as well.

Stress is increasing. With greater power comes greater responsibility. With age comes worries. I can't deal with this much longer. I can't perform well when I'm affected emotionally. I need to be in the right emotional state to deal with the increasing demands of work and I can't keep having it disrupted.

The quarrel over housework is deep seated. It's not mere misunderstanding. I was thought to have been selfish and retaliation came in the form of being selfish back to me. But the fact is I was just short of time and very tired. I am just really very disheartened to know that this is how this person dear to me can think of me. And so many many times, I was the one who brought her pile of clothes into her room.

Maybe I should retaliate more. Maybe I should shout out more everytime I do some household chore. Maybe I should shout more at people when chores are not done. Whenever I'm on the receiving end, I will always remind myself to give it back in return when the opportunity arises. But unfortunately, I have a short term memory and fails most of the time. Otherwise, mostly I think. What for, really?

I say this again. I practice live and let live as much as I can. But when I feel enough is enough and I can't take it anymore I leave.

Misunderstandings - Part 1

I hate the word misunderstandings.

Twice this year, I had two person telling me that it's all a misunderstanding when it's not a misunderstanding but more likely a misgiving. Without really finding out why the "misunderstanding" really happened in the first place, they concluded that the best thing to do is to live and let live.

First was a friend who knew that I had misgivings about another friend. She called to try to be a peace maker but instead of asking why those misgivings came about in the first place and then tackle any misunderstandings (if it is even a misunderstanding in the first place) from there, the friend assumed that anything was probably a misunderstanding and as friends she is there to help clear it.

Second was a family member telling me that it's all but a misunderstanding and I shouldn't have just let it go. There was actually no need to talk, question or clarify in the first place why another family member did what she did.

I think misunderstanding and misgiving are two very different things. Misunderstandings can be easily cleared up by clarifications. You thought it was this, I thought it was that. You talked and it clears up. Misgivings involve suspicions, doubts, mistrust, the more deep seated problems and usually not very pleasant ones.

With the friend, the misgivings came about after she had delivered her baby. All of a sudden her baby was the most important thing in her life and she will protect it against all evil forces including going to lengths to prevent another friend S from coming to a gathering because S's mother-in-law just passed away. Apparently, the month old baby is still weak and the dark forces will not be good for her. I had not expected this at all because I have always known of this friend to be someone without care to the world type of person. She speaks like one.

I was upset to find out about it and felt it was wrong especially when the gathering was organised to celebrate two persons birthday and S was one of them. The friend could have choosen not to turn up if she were scared. She could stay home. But I felt she instigated things to happen for her convenience and that is selfish.

I was almost in tears when I spoke out and realised that out of 5, 4 didn't feel it was wrong. 3 were mothers and the fourth was a believer in things such as fortune telling.

Feeling like all my friends have changed to different people overnight after they became mothers, quite honestly I was shaken and really lost. I asked the friend, so in similar situation what if I died, and you just can't leave your kid alone, you mean you are not going to come? She said she would think about it. If it was a joke, it's cracked at a bad timing as I think I was looking pretty agitated then. But I'm almost sure she meant what she said as this friend is not one who minces her words.

Further discussions followed, and I was asked, "If I was in S's situation and I came and something bad happen to the child, won't I feel bad?"

The answer is no. However, I will feel bad only if you make me feel bad and put all the blame on me. Having a friend who thinks you ought to feel bad if anything untowards happen to her child due to real or even unreal reasons is a heavy burden to bear. There can be so many traditions that I am not aware of. What if I accidently touch the head of the child after touching joss sticks and I'm not suppose to do that because incurable illness would befall the kid? Then I'm to blame and ought to fell bad. If I had to be responsible for the unreal reasons that might do the child harm, I don't think I will be spared for the real reasons.

In subsequent gatherings, which never once had no kids around, I'm just filled with indignation and I stop myself from coming physically close to the children of this group of friends because I don't want to be responsible should anything happen. For the said friend's child, I have never picked her up or carried her before. I don't think I have even touched the child before. I don't dare. What if I helped carry the child and I accidently fell and something happen?

I kept my distance but two more incidents showed even more selfishness.

Before the friend delivered, another friend M delivered first. L and I shared a present for M which unfortunately M already had the same one and requested to receive something else or if not vouchers. It was all fine with me and L. When the friend overhead she said she didn't mind having that gift since she's due soon (and well it will be her turn to receive gifts). So we proceeded to buy M another gift and kept the first present for the friend. When it was time to give the present to the friend after she delivered, L asked me if I want to share to buy a present again. I thought we are giving her that first gift? Apparently she had received one along the way and she will have no use for a duplicate and therefore requested for something else.

I confronted her and she replied: "Err... Did I confirm I wanted that present?"

I was furious. We are giving you a gift (which we had to spend time and effort coordinating), which you had requested for and you mean before we present the gift to you, we had to call first to confirm that you wanted that present? This is ridiculous.

Finally it was L's turn to deliver. L is an easy going person and she didn't mind accepting the first gift (which in fact she helped buy). This will also be a duplicate gift for her but being a really easy going person she good naturedly found some convenient reasons to keep it.

Feeling even more indignant, I asked the said friend to pay the money for the share of the present. She said she will settle with L and what she did was to give a picture album because she had 2. She conveniently gave away an extra album she had and didn't forget to stress that it's a picture album that she likes because she had bought it initially with the intention of using it for her own child.

Is this a misunderstanding? I doubt it. Far from it in fact. The misgivings will never be resolved if we just keep thinking that it's just a misunderstanding.

I practice live and let live as much as I can. But when I feel I have done enough, accommodated enough and I don't wish to have to bent over backwards anymore I leave.

People change. Perhaps my friends have changed after they have kids and unfortunately I just can't keep up with it. Conversations now are usually dominated by topics on houses, kids and motherhood which I currently have no interest in and frankly quite sick of hearing. Coupled with misgivings, I am sadden yet relieve to let go.