Misunderstandings - Part 1

I hate the word misunderstandings.

Twice this year, I had two person telling me that it's all a misunderstanding when it's not a misunderstanding but more likely a misgiving. Without really finding out why the "misunderstanding" really happened in the first place, they concluded that the best thing to do is to live and let live.

First was a friend who knew that I had misgivings about another friend. She called to try to be a peace maker but instead of asking why those misgivings came about in the first place and then tackle any misunderstandings (if it is even a misunderstanding in the first place) from there, the friend assumed that anything was probably a misunderstanding and as friends she is there to help clear it.

Second was a family member telling me that it's all but a misunderstanding and I shouldn't have just let it go. There was actually no need to talk, question or clarify in the first place why another family member did what she did.

I think misunderstanding and misgiving are two very different things. Misunderstandings can be easily cleared up by clarifications. You thought it was this, I thought it was that. You talked and it clears up. Misgivings involve suspicions, doubts, mistrust, the more deep seated problems and usually not very pleasant ones.

With the friend, the misgivings came about after she had delivered her baby. All of a sudden her baby was the most important thing in her life and she will protect it against all evil forces including going to lengths to prevent another friend S from coming to a gathering because S's mother-in-law just passed away. Apparently, the month old baby is still weak and the dark forces will not be good for her. I had not expected this at all because I have always known of this friend to be someone without care to the world type of person. She speaks like one.

I was upset to find out about it and felt it was wrong especially when the gathering was organised to celebrate two persons birthday and S was one of them. The friend could have choosen not to turn up if she were scared. She could stay home. But I felt she instigated things to happen for her convenience and that is selfish.

I was almost in tears when I spoke out and realised that out of 5, 4 didn't feel it was wrong. 3 were mothers and the fourth was a believer in things such as fortune telling.

Feeling like all my friends have changed to different people overnight after they became mothers, quite honestly I was shaken and really lost. I asked the friend, so in similar situation what if I died, and you just can't leave your kid alone, you mean you are not going to come? She said she would think about it. If it was a joke, it's cracked at a bad timing as I think I was looking pretty agitated then. But I'm almost sure she meant what she said as this friend is not one who minces her words.

Further discussions followed, and I was asked, "If I was in S's situation and I came and something bad happen to the child, won't I feel bad?"

The answer is no. However, I will feel bad only if you make me feel bad and put all the blame on me. Having a friend who thinks you ought to feel bad if anything untowards happen to her child due to real or even unreal reasons is a heavy burden to bear. There can be so many traditions that I am not aware of. What if I accidently touch the head of the child after touching joss sticks and I'm not suppose to do that because incurable illness would befall the kid? Then I'm to blame and ought to fell bad. If I had to be responsible for the unreal reasons that might do the child harm, I don't think I will be spared for the real reasons.

In subsequent gatherings, which never once had no kids around, I'm just filled with indignation and I stop myself from coming physically close to the children of this group of friends because I don't want to be responsible should anything happen. For the said friend's child, I have never picked her up or carried her before. I don't think I have even touched the child before. I don't dare. What if I helped carry the child and I accidently fell and something happen?

I kept my distance but two more incidents showed even more selfishness.

Before the friend delivered, another friend M delivered first. L and I shared a present for M which unfortunately M already had the same one and requested to receive something else or if not vouchers. It was all fine with me and L. When the friend overhead she said she didn't mind having that gift since she's due soon (and well it will be her turn to receive gifts). So we proceeded to buy M another gift and kept the first present for the friend. When it was time to give the present to the friend after she delivered, L asked me if I want to share to buy a present again. I thought we are giving her that first gift? Apparently she had received one along the way and she will have no use for a duplicate and therefore requested for something else.

I confronted her and she replied: "Err... Did I confirm I wanted that present?"

I was furious. We are giving you a gift (which we had to spend time and effort coordinating), which you had requested for and you mean before we present the gift to you, we had to call first to confirm that you wanted that present? This is ridiculous.

Finally it was L's turn to deliver. L is an easy going person and she didn't mind accepting the first gift (which in fact she helped buy). This will also be a duplicate gift for her but being a really easy going person she good naturedly found some convenient reasons to keep it.

Feeling even more indignant, I asked the said friend to pay the money for the share of the present. She said she will settle with L and what she did was to give a picture album because she had 2. She conveniently gave away an extra album she had and didn't forget to stress that it's a picture album that she likes because she had bought it initially with the intention of using it for her own child.

Is this a misunderstanding? I doubt it. Far from it in fact. The misgivings will never be resolved if we just keep thinking that it's just a misunderstanding.

I practice live and let live as much as I can. But when I feel I have done enough, accommodated enough and I don't wish to have to bent over backwards anymore I leave.

People change. Perhaps my friends have changed after they have kids and unfortunately I just can't keep up with it. Conversations now are usually dominated by topics on houses, kids and motherhood which I currently have no interest in and frankly quite sick of hearing. Coupled with misgivings, I am sadden yet relieve to let go.